Book Review - You Are Not Listening - Kate Murphy (Part I)

How much time do you spend listening to others? When we talk, what exactly are we listening to? Are we listening to their feelings or their stories? The author of "You're Not Listening" interviewed many experts, collected their research, and turned it into a book. It's a nice book and I even get many ideas from it. Here are several pieces of stories from the book.

Barry McManus works for the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency. He is the CIA's chief interrogator and polygrapher. He shared his experience with the author. We need to be curious. When you are paying attention to something, you will have questions. With questions, we get answers. It not only shows respect but also builds relationships with others. Pulitzer Prize and Studs Terkel made a career out of his curiosity. Because of his curiosity, he wrote a book - Working as a collection of his interviews with people from all segments of society talking about their jobs - from garbage collectors and gravediggers to surgeons and industrial designers. Your curiosity even helps you make friends with others. Dale Carnegie has mentioned that " You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

How to maintain a long-term relationship? Do you have an extensive friend list but still feel lonely? Do you and your partner get along well? Why do some couples lose their freshness after being together for many years? Do they really understand each other? Phenomenological psychologist Judith Coche believes that people in long-term relationships tend to lose curiosity when facing each other. This is the so-called "closeness-communication bias." They think they know you well and already know what you want to say. In fact, this is not the case. Anyone who relies on the past to understand the present is doomed to fail. French writer Andre Maurois wrote: "A happy marriage is a long conversation that always seems too short." 

We gain knowledge from our daily lives. Today is nothing like yesterday. We should be able to share our perspectives with others every day. Robin Dunbar, one of the most widely cited researchers, told the author that the main way we maintain friendships is through "everyday conversation." There are different levels of friendship, depending on how long you've been with the person. In the modern world, listening may be the best gift you can give someone.