11 Tips on Dealing with Difficult People

Family members, colleagues, neighbours, partners... there are many people who can test your patience. These people can be challenging and sometimes downright toxic. How you deal with these people depends on their personalities, motivations, and experience

Remember:

I cannot emphasise it enough: When dealing with difficult people, you must first and foremost be kind to yourself. If you go into the confrontation with a clear head and do not react angrily, they will not know how to react because it is against their nature.

Here are some things to keep in mind when confronting difficult people:

1. Pay attention to their intentions.

For example, if you know that your colleague is frustrated because your project has not been completed, you will be able to deal with it much better if you look at what he/she is saying through the lens of what he/she really means. 

2. Recognise the hidden need.

When your conversation partner has a problem, they usually put their fingers in their ears and close their eyes to escape reality. But once they find someone who is willing to listen and really hear what they have to say, they start to get rid of all their pent-up frustrations.

3. put all your own expectations on hold.

As soon as the person starts talking, switch off your mind and listen to the person's story. When you hear what really happened, you can respond more tactfully. Think about what you need to do to get to the root of the problem and work with the person to solve it. Don't get into a blame game.

4. Know the person's prevailing emotion.

Discovering their predominant emotion will help you understand their motivations, their wants and their needs. If you look for hidden motives, you will understand a lot. Also, the hidden desires will help you formulate the way to deal with them productively.

5. Understand the things they are afraid of.

Understanding their hidden fears will help you get closer to them. You can then help them face their fears, help them overcome their fears and eventually the relationship will change. You can also ask them to share their fears with you and work together to overcome them.

6. Calm voice.

A calm voice, civil language and ease of posture are key to dealing with difficult people. Everyone has a different style of dealing with others, but you need to be aware of what your counterpart may perceive as "rude" language. If your tone is terse and dry, you may have to work a little harder to get it right, but you will succeed. It is also important to remain calm in your tone of voice, language and body language.

7. Find the real or hidden trigger.

Maybe they struggle with procrastination. Maybe they are struggling with their job and need encouragement, like most of us, or a reminder that they can do it. Or maybe they are just a know-it-all who has never succeeded. Whatever their motive, give them a piece of evidence and maybe it will bring them to some sort of emotional equilibrium.

8. Do not get defensive. 

If someone is so emotionally isolated that they still use the "emotionally intelligent" jargon of the human animal, even when they have said something completely insensitive or inaccurate, that is almost always a defence mechanism. Before you react, you should really think about why this person is being so difficult. Is she just a pain in the ass? Is she suffering from a mental illness? Is she just a busybody? Ask yourself what makes this person so moody. Because in a split second you could be in serious trouble.

9. Use humour.

If you are really stuck in a difficult situation, use humour. If they laugh at your joke or become a little less annoyed with you, you will gain some ground.

10. Self-reflection - Why does her behaviour bother you so much? 

Did you read their response? What was your exact thought process? What emotions are behind it? Then ask yourself to what extent these emotions match your own. Are you saying something similar to the person saying it? Maybe the other person is a control freak and you want a certain outcome for your life. Or maybe you judge them as "toxic" instead of taking a moment to reflect on your own behaviour.

11. Maybe you are the problem.

Self-reflection can also help determine if your own behaviour has contributed to someone's negativity. Maybe you are the one carrying the poison and you need to consider if you are doing something that is causing people to see you that way. Maybe you are being unproductive. Maybe you are not thinking of the other person as a human being. Or maybe you are the problem and you don't even know it.

 Copyright ©2022 by L. Lewis